How to avoid problem people (***)

Πολύ ενδιαφέρον και εκτενές άρθρο στα αγγλικά.

Login - ***

 

Απάντηση: How to avoid problem people (***)

εννοεις problematic people;

 

Δεν το εννοώ εγώ, είναι ο τίτλος του άρθρου.

 

Απάντηση: How to avoid problem people (***)

Και εννοείς δηλαδή, να κάνουμε εγγραφή στο ***;

Δεν κάνεις καλύτερα copy-paste το κείμενο εδώ, να μας διευκολύνεις;

 

Υπάρχει δυστυχώς disclaimer, που επιτρέπει linking, αλλά όχι reposting.

 

Απάντηση: How to avoid problem people (***)

υποννοείς κάτι για μένα?  

 

Απάντηση: How to avoid problem people (***)

Μπορείς να δώσεις μία περίληψη για εμάς που δε θέλουμε να κάνουμε εγγραφή στο ***, αλλά θέλουμε να διαβάσουμε το άρθρο;  

 

Απάντηση: How to avoid problem people (***)

Να και το copy paste για όσους το ήθελαν...


How to avoid problem people (revised and expanded) 72 Comments

Such a list of "red-flag" behaviors would, IMO, work much better than creating a "predator's list" because such a list of names would be a) difficult to create, especially with any reasonable fairness of due process (plus, new "vampires" come along with some frequency), and b) a defamation lawsuit looking for a place to happen. OTOH, teaching to watch out for certain red-flag behaviors would likely be much more effective -- and help facilitate the detection of the "newer" predators.​

I agree. A behaviors list also sidesteps 2 other big issues:

• It makes the problem person's intent irrelevant. You don't need to know if a problem person wants to cause harm (sociopath), doesn't consider other people's welfare (narcissist), or is only clueless. You simply respond to the behavior and get out of harm's way.

• A behaviors list also avoids the whole issue of amateurs diagnosing/labeling others as "mentally ill," "sociopaths," "personality disordered," etc.

Rather than labeling people, I find it most useful to think in terms of "How much trouble is this person likely to cause, how much of the time, for how long?" If we have a red-flag list for THAT, people with more extreme problem behaviors will end up on the "lots of trouble" end of the spectrum without any need for "diagnosis" or labeling.
While some problem people are actively malicious, the vast majority mean well. They cause problems because of their past traumas, lack of resourcefulness, and counterproductive strategies. Many have no idea of the harm they do. I endeavor to treat each person with compassion, while staying out of the way of their problem behaviors.
I had one emotional leech parent, used to leech myself and got over it (proof that NLP and hypnosis can heal personality disorders), and in my earlier (vanilla) life used to attract lots of leeches. They're still around if I choose to put up with them, but I rarely do anymore.
Below is a revised version of my original list of "red flag" behaviors, now arranged into categories to make it easier to remember, use, and understand. It includes:
1. How to read the signals emotional leeches send (so you notice the warning signs).
2. Problem behaviors, with examples.
3. Good points to look for in partners. You could call this the anti-leech list.
4. What factors make people vulnerable to emotional leeches.
.
.
1. How to read the signals emotional leeches send

In my experience, people ALWAYS communicate their underlying agenda and/or attitudes in some way, very quickly, when you meet them. Your subconscious mind communicates with their subconscious mind, mostly outside both people's awareness, using subtle signals.
That's how someone who has had a string of physically abusive relationships can go into a bar with 50 eligible people, and end up with the one person who is physically abusive. It wasn't chance; it was subconscious communication.
Learn to read these subtle signals, and you can spot most problem people right away.
Leech-detection strategies

+ Assume that little behaviors arise from big attitudes. If your date is rude to the waiter for no reason, they think it's okay to treat people that way. Which means they will probably be rude to YOU for no reason at some point in the future. If they're rude to others repeatedly, it's a sure bet. Remember that it might take a few months or even a year or more before you become the target.
+ Pay much more attention to a person's behaviors, and to the outcomes they produce, than to their stories. Even if they believe their own story, it might not be true.
Some problem people will lie to you. This might be deliberate and conscious, or they might genuinely believe their own falsehoods and stories:

• They deny doing the problematic things they did, or claim you misinterpreted their actions.

• They present excuses and justifications for their problem behavior to convince you it shouldn't be a problem for you.

• They accuse you of overreacting, even when their behavior is outrageous and your response is reasonable.

• To put you on the defensive and distract you from the real issue (their behavior), they may accuse you of doing what they actually did. (If they broke an agreement, they will accuse you of breaking an agreement.)

Stay focused on behaviors and outcomes! If your date says they respect limits, but they act some way that violates your limits, they just signaled you that in fact they don't respect limits. (Ignore their excuses and justifications; focus on what they actually did.) If they claim to be a good partner and you feel bad, either while you're with them or afterward, run.
+ People will test you to see how you react and what you'll put up with. (There's nothing wrong with this; we all do it automatically.) These tests are often tiny.
For instance, something trivial goes wrong and your date gets angry. How do you respond?
If you apologize profusely, a leech now knows that (a) you will put up with their inappropriate behavior, and (b) they can use anger to manipulate you. If you poke gentle fun at your date for getting mad over something so small, you show them you have good boundaries and don't respect or reward bad behavior. Good boundaries repel leeches.
+ Notice behaviors and attitudes that repeat. These are likely to be habitual. If a person's repeating behaviors are good, if they help you and other people, date that person. If a person's repeating behaviors are mean, destructive, or inconsiderate, beware!
+ Assume tiny repeating behaviors at the beginning signal big repeating behaviors later on. If your date is inconsiderate on the first or second date, imagine how much worse they'll behave after they get to know you better and take you for granted!
+ People will usually keep doing what they already do. Someone who cheated in past relationships will also cheat on you. Someone who blames previous partners for relationship problems will blame you when things go wrong. The more chronic the behavior, the sooner you are likely to become the target.
+ Evaluate with compassion and dispassion. Remember, everyone has some weaknesses and problem behaviors.
When evaluating a potential mate, notice how many problem behaviors they do, how often and for how long, in how many contexts, and how problematically. There's a huge difference between someone who occasionally gets angry and cusses, vs. someone who flies into a rage over every problem, disagreement, or setback. Be particularly wary of a group of related problematic behaviors, such as several ways of blaming, being rude, or undermining.
Extrapolate from what you observe. If you imagine your date doing the same behaviors you've observed more often and more extremely in the future, is that going to be tolerable?
Be particularly wary of behaviors that violate your core values. If you highly value honesty, and your date lies, their tendency to lie is probably going to be a problem for you, even if it wouldn't bother someone else.
.
.
2. Problem behaviors

A list of all possible red-flag behaviors would be ridiculously long. Instead, I'm going to give you some basic categories of problem behaviors, with variations and examples. The categories are arbitrary; their main purpose is to help you remember what to look/listen/feel for when you interact with someone.
Think of each category as a continuum of behaviors, rather than either/or. Someone who complains for 2 minutes and then proactively fixes their problem is probably not a problem person. Someone who whines endlessly about their whole life while taking no action to change it is an emotional leech.
Categories:
1. Destructive
2. Irresponsible
3. Inconsistent
4. Entitled
5. Incompetent
Destructive

These behaviors cause direct harm -- and are often intended to do so.
- Destructive leeches hurt and harm others. It doesn't really matter why these people cause harm. Ignore their great reasons, excuses, and justifications for their actions, and their (real or pretended) good intent. The important thing is that these people make life worse. They are destructive.
- Destructive leeches gradually escalate bad behavior. Their first infractions are "too small to make a fuss about," especially since the leech will make a big deal over how dumb you are for "overreacting." Then the problems get bigger. And bigger.
- Avoid people who manufacture reasons to make you wrong, judge you, invalidate you, denigrate you, etc.
Someone who claims "You are a bad sub" and still wants to play with you is probably a leech trying to intimidate you. If you were really a bad sub, a good Dom wouldn't want to play with you. Or that Dom might ask if you'd like some pointers to help you improve. A leech wants to make you feel like a bad sub (or Dom) so you'll allow them to manipulate you.
Someone who claims "You are a bad person" but stays with you is using the same dynamic to manipulate you. A healthy partner who really thinks you are a bad person will leave. Duh.
- Avoid people who insult you or make hurtful fun of you, especially in front of others. Many leeches say insulting and/or hurtful things, then if you object attack you for being "too sensitive" or "taking jokes to seriously.")
- Beware "frame wars" that make you wrong. Reframing what happens in a negative way is a favorite manipulation tactic of sociopaths and other destructive leeches. Example: You do something innocent; they say, "You did that to hurt me."
Be especially wary when someone blames you for behavior they are doing themselves. If they do something to break trust, they'll accuse you of acting untrustworthy. If they act passive-aggressive, they'll say your behaviors are passive-aggressive. They'll even even blame your actions for causing them to behave badly.
Accusatory reframing distracts your attention away from what the leech did by getting you to question yourself and/or putting you on the defensive. "But I didn't break my promise! My action wasn't passive-aggressive! I didn't mean harm when I did that!" While you are questioning, doubting, justifying, or defending yourself, the leech's bad behavior continues or worsens.
- Avoid people who attack you for having reasonable responses to their unreasonable behavior. Examples:

• The leech does something dangerous or scary, then attacks you for having "fear issues."

• The leech asks for information, which you give them. They get upset about what you told them. The next time they ask for information, you reasonably hesitate to give it to them because of their previous negative response. Then they accuse you of acting "untrustworthy."

- Beware trash talk. Destructive leeches often reveal their destructiveness by admitting it.

• The leech says terrible things about their previous partners.

• The leech consistently says all men/women are "idiots," "psychos," "only out for what they can get," etc.

• The leech brags about hurting pets, people, or their ex.

- Beware mean-spirited and cruel behavior. An emotional leech will justify even outrageously cruel treatment of others with claims that the recipient "earned," "deserves," or "asked for" it. Consider:

• What does this person's treatment of others tell you about how much they care about other people's welfare, and about fairness?

• How long does the person's behavior last? If a person gets verbally abusive for 2 minutes, calms down, and apologizes, that's not too bad. Lots of normal, healthy people do that occasionally. If a person gets vindictive and verbally abusive and then stays that way for days, weeks, months, or years, that's bad.

• How often does the behavior recur?

• What will it be like when you are the target? If you spend enough time with anyone, at some point you will almost certainly become the target of that person's negative and emotionally triggered behavior. Assume it will happen, and decide now whether it's something you want to deal with.

- Be cautious of low-trust people. A person from a low-trust background such as an abusive home likely to distrust you. Consciously or subconsciously, they anticipate mistreatment and betrayal. Since it's human nature to find evidence that supports one's beliefs (and ignore evidence that counteracts them), a distrustful person will tend to interpret your innocent acts as evidence of untrustworthiness.
Distrustful people usually lack the filters to detect and reject untrustworthy people, so they keep having bad experiences that provide more evidence that people are untrustworthy.
To defend themselves from people they can't trust (such as you), low-trust people tend to act untrustworthy. Interpreting your innocent acts as harmful, they will "hit you back first." They hide information, snoop, interrogate you, attempt to control you, get jealous, etc. They then use your natural response to being treated that way (such as withholding information) as evidence you really aren't trustworthy.
Sociopaths and control freaks will interpret your innocent acts as evidence you are doing something untrustworthy. These leeches keep twisting their interpretations of your actions to make you wrong. They do this in order to put you on the defensive and control you.
Since people crave love and trust, low-trust people often get it via a process called splitting. A healthy person notices both the wonderful and the problematic traits of their loved ones. But in splitting, the loved one gets alternately perceived and treated as either all good or all bad.
In order to trust and feel close to another person, a low-trust person idealizes their mate, ignoring or suppressing evidence that their mate is human and fallible. This often masquerades as being too trusting, since the only way the low-trust person can can let someone get close to them is to drop all (or virtually all) of their boundaries. Everything seems wonderful... until the low-trust person's distrust gets triggered. At this point they switch to rejecting and demonizing their former loved one. They may switch back and forth repeatedly (common with Borderline Personality Disorder), or they might flip from trust to distrust and stay there permanently. (I discuss splitting more in the "Inconsistent" section.)
- Avoid people who discourage you from learning from other sources. This is especially problematic if the person claims to be an authority on something you are unfamiliar with, which you are either already doing or plan to do with that person.
Letting someone else set the parameters (such as what constitutes "proper" protocol or "real" poly) when you don't know other options is asking for trouble. A leech will claim that what they want is the "right" or "only" way to do things, whether or not it works for you. If you're doing it their way and you're unhappy, find other sources of information now!
- Beware people who socially isolate you. This control technique makes it harder for you to get support from others, less likely to get outside points of view that can help you notice bad leech behaviors, and makes you more dependent on the leech. You are thus less likely to challenge them or leave, even when that's appropriate.
Leech tactics for isolating others include:

• Objecting to you spending time with friends and family.

• Misbehaving or retaliating when you do contact others.

• Discouraging you from talking about the leech to anyone else.

- Leeches utilize social networks to harm others. They gossip. They trash-talk. They try to wreck others' reputations. Or... they intimidate you by claiming that your actions will wreck your -- and especially their -- social reputations.
Irresponsible

People who don't take responsibility for their own lives tend to make bad decisions, not learn from their mistakes, and blame others when things go wrong. You may be expected to rescue or caretake, or simply get blamed whenever the problem person's life isn't perfect.
- Avoid victims and blamers. Victims and blamers believe that they are not responsible for what happens, and someone else is. When something goes wrong in your relationship with this problem person, they will blame you and/or do a "poor me" and expect you to fix the problem -- even if they caused it!
Since these problem people sort for who's at fault rather than what they can do, they tend to act ineffectively and re-create the same problems over and over. This makes them major trouble magnets.
To detect this kind of person, pay attention to how your date represents past mistakes and current problems. Who is responsible?

• If your date claims they haven't made any mistakes, they either don't pay attention, or they avoid responsibility for their mistakes. Either makes them dangerous.

• If your date claims that other people caused their problems, or they attempt to justify their own actions even when what they did caused disasters, beware.

• Claiming that other people "made" them do bad things -- or blaming you for their bad behavior ("I only hit you because you made me so angry") is a major sign of trouble.

• Healthy people own their mistakes, figure out what they can do differently to avoid repeats, then take action.

@Khai writes: If someone's career, marriage, investments, family, education and/or health are in poor shape, and s/he says the "reasons" have nothing to do with their personal failings or poor choices but are: prejudice (specific or general), crazy spouse, government, scam artist, bad boss, quack doctor, etc., this is a sure sign of a person who will blame you for what goes wrong next.
- Avoid complainers and critics, suggests @maidforcouple. Some just drain you by endlessly complaining and finding fault. Others ask for help, then find reasons to reject (and perhaps belittle) all your suggestions. Some obsessively tell you what's wrong with your ideas, hopes, dreams, ambitions, actions, friends, social life, career, behaviors. Others find reasons why any idea, course of action, or solution won't work. They'll overlook 99 things that worked, or that you did right, to focus on the one that failed.
Many complainers and critics have terrible lives, yet they expect you to listen to their stories and accept their criticisms and advice. Other warning signs: Lack of constructive suggestions and actions, failure to notice and reward desired behavior and outcomes.
- Your date is responsible for managing their emotions -- you shouldn't be. Perhaps you find yourself doing a lot to help your date manage or defuse anger. Or to comfort or cheer them. Or you protect them from real life, and the emotional consequences of their actions. In all these cases you're doing work that they as adults should do for themselves. They are responsible for managing their emotions. If they don't seem aware of this, beware. If they assume or demand that you manage or control their emotions, run.
- Beware addictions & eating disorders, especially if the person isn't getting treatment or actively doing things that you can observe for yourself to fix the problem. Make sure they take responsibility for their own problems and behaviors, and don't put others at risk with behaviors such as drunk driving. (A person who thinks it's okay to risk other people's safety by driving drunk might decide it's okay to risk your safety in the dungeon.)
- Beware age regression. A "baby doll" may be cute in the bedroom, but a person who is childlike in real life probably has serious boundary, competency, and responsibility issues. You might be tempted to rescue this person, but then they'll just glom onto you and make you responsible for their life... while continuing the behaviors that got them in trouble in the first place.
- Beware excessive dependency. Someone who calls their mother every day, still lives with mom and dad after age 30 (especially if this is a permanent arrangement), has a long history of joblessness and mooching off others, or makes dumb decisions (such as financial irresponsibility) and expects to be rescued, probably has some pretty significant dependency/responsibility issues.
- Beware people who want lasting commitment too fast. Someone who immediately wants to move in with you, get married, or have kids might be irresponsibly unrealistic (and living in a fantasy that they probably won't handle well once real life happens). Or they might be trying to manipulate you. (Sociopaths often use this tactic.) Be particularly wary of this person if they don't have a job, they ask for money or "loans," or they try to pressure you to decide immediately. ("If you don't love me enough to commit now, I'll leave!") A bad decision now could leaved you with a deadbeat spouse, a child to raise alone, or both. Think of how you will respond if your/their starry-eyed best-case fantasies don't work out, and protect yourself accordingly.
- Be wary of unclear/indirect communication. Seriously unclear communication is a weapon of the destructive leech. Destructive sociopaths love to manipulate people by claiming that you "should have known" that their deliberately unclear/ambiguous communication meant something other than however you interpreted it. Next time, the correct answer changes and they make you wrong again.
Most unclear communication isn't malicious. Often it's a sign of past abuse. (In this case, the person may have other abuse issues -- check.) An unclear communicator may be afraid or unable to directly and clearly communicate their needs and wants. That's not necessarily a big problem. But the leechier versions expect you to mind-read and know what they meant to communicate, and will punish you (often passive-aggressively) for not responding as they wish.
- Someone "too good to be true" probably is. Humans are hardwired to respond to something-for-nothing deals. Just because you want someone to be your ideal mate doesn't make them one. It's your responsibility to keep your own expectations realistic, and be suspicious of that "too good" partner.
@Khai wrote, "Leeches are often very skilled at appearing to be normal, friendly people in their casual relationships. Many people see them as 'great guys' (or gals). While you should be paying attention to how they treat other people, please realize they may be superficially nice to social acquaintances. This is one of the things that enables them to manipulate people in close relationships.... And, if s/he is trashing all his/her former partners to you, you can be sure s/he is trashing you to someone else."
A favorite manipulative leech trick is to pretend to be very similar to you -- similar past experiences, shared interests and values. They build rapport by pointing out even trivial similarities. They may lie about big stuff to make themselves seem more like you. If you talk about your ideal mate and your date morphs to fit, proceed with caution.
Virtually every sociopath (and lots of narcissists) get described as "charming." If someone is giving you lots of attention, affection, and approval before you've had a chance to earn it, you might have found your ideal mate... but it's more likely you've found a leech. This person might be trying to manipulate you... or they might relate to others using the "splitting" pattern described below.
Inconsistent

Everyone is inconsistent some of the time. However, severe inconsistency nearly always signals significant problems.
- Avoid sequential inconsistency. If a person

• acts warm one minute and cold the next

• keeps changing their mind about whether they want to be in a relationship with you or not

• claimed X was true this morning but now says its false

• changes their stories about what happened (especially in ways that justify their own actions or makes you wrong)

then you can't depend on them. (This inconsistency is one of the things that can make people with personality disorders seem very exciting... but it will cost you.)
Note: People with certain personality disorders that cause extreme sequential inconsistency may at times completely lack the resources to say no. If the person acts inconsistent outside the dungeon, assume inconsistency could cause problems during a scene.
- Avoid idealization/denigration (splitting), a type of inconsistency where your date regards you, and other people they make emotional attachments to, as alternately wonderful or terrible. You can do no wrong and they forgive you anything -- until you do something they do judge wrong, at which point your date goes ballistic, blows it way out of proportion, and blames you.
This person's previous mate was a paragon or a monster, depending on which conversation they're in. Their strongest split is often that they are blameless for whatever went wrong, no matter how much they participated in the situation, while the other person is 100% responsible (and also a rotten slime ball). Or, alternately, they blame themselves for everything, while the other person is blameless.
Someone who splits may treat you like royalty until their switch flips the other way; then they feel justified doing all kinds of nastiness to someone as horrible as you. Splitting is very difficult to deal with, worse if you're the one doing it. Virtually everyone with certain hard-to-deal-with personality disorders splits, especially in their close relationships.
Entitled

Entitled people think they do or should own, control, or have access to what belongs to other people. Entitlement + victimization is a particularly unpleasant combination. "Poor me! You should help/accommodate me because I'm a victim. Ooh, you didn't help me enough! You're a bad person!"
- Beware of anyone demonstrating they feel entitled to your stuff, body, time, attention, love, etc.
- Notice how the person treats other people. In particular, notice how much they actually notice other people as real, separate individuals apart from themselves, how kindly and appropriately they treat others, and to what degree they notice and respond when other people give them feedback that what they're doing is inappropriate or unwelcome.
Certain types of leeches represent other people as basically copies of themselves. They might get angry at someone who inconveniences them by falling seriously ill at dinner. Or they expect everyone to want to pay attention to them because they want the attention.
The more narcissistic the person, the more their life and conversation are all about them: how great they are, how others don't appreciate them enough, what they feel or need -- often with little or no consideration of what other people feel or need.
- Leeches have unreasonable expectations that they expect you to live up to. If you don't, you will be punished!
- Notice whose rules and standards apply to whom. A person generally has a default setting about whether My, Your, or No Rules apply to themselves... and whether My, Your, or No Rules apply to other people, including you. Common patterns:
Self / Others <-- (who the rules in each column apply to)

• My/Your (My Rules for Me/Your Rules for You) -- common among healthy people
• Your/Your or Your/No -- doormats
• No/My or My/My -- controlling
• No/My -- controlling & nasty sociopaths
• No/No -- nasty sociopaths; tolerates/attracts other nasties

Note: Rules patterns are somewhat contextual. Often someone who uses Your Rules for You in other situations uses My Rules For You about fidelity, or when dealing with their children.
- Guilt trips. Commonly leeches will tell you "don't be selfish" when they want to be selfish and take what you have. Or when you set healthy, appropriate boundaries that get in the leech's way.
- Leeches use favors to manipulate others, and expect far more back than they give.

• The leech gives you a small gift, or does you a tiny/easy favor, then expects/demands a huge favor, major concession, or lots of praise and attention in return. Example: They bring you a take-out meal, then expect you to spend all day helping them move.

• The leech does you a "favor" that you didn't ask for or want, then expects/demands thanks, gratitude, concessions, or favors in return. Example: They say "I left the whole weekend open for you" when you had other plans. In my experience, many rescuers and enablers have this pattern. Be particularly wary of attempts to financially obligate you, since if you break up the leech may take you to court to get back the car or ring they gave you, or the money they spent to pay off your student loan.

• The leech spends money to hook you, or gives you lots of attention, sex, etc. Once you commit (move in together, get married) their generosity evaporates.

- Beware rescuing. Anyone who rewards you for HAVING problems IS a problem. For your own sake, quit indulging rescuers and insist that they give you attention and reward/enable your behavior when you succeed, not when you fail.
If you are a rescuer, stop rewarding failure and start rewarding success. You will get rid of the professional victims that sap your energy, and start helping good people who deserve your aid.
Incompetent

@cpk points out that while things like destructiveness and entitlement are always bad, incompetence is more of a "how much are you willing to put up with" question. Remember, even the most skilled kinksters start as newbies.
- Beware confidence that outstrips competence. Incompetent people often think they are more skilled than average, so use your judgment, not theirs. Most overconfident people are just clueless, but some are leeches seeking to impress you (or newbies) by inflating their skill and expertise.
- Beware poor boundaries. On the other end of the entitlement spectrum are people who don't know what they want, can't ask for it if they do know, or can't say no when they should. Many abuse victims fall into this category. Some who normally do have safe limits age regress when they feel threatened -- perhaps to the point where the can't say no or even talk. This could cause a problem in-scene or later, since such a person could potentially accuse people with whom they didn't set limits of mistreating or abusing them, even raping them.
- Assume your date's repeated emotions are probably habitual. Chronically unhappy people usually stay unhappy. Angry people tend to get angry again... and if they don't have a reason for anger, they'll create one. If you want a happy partner, pick someone who's happy now.
- Beware people who don't respond to feedback. Even when they are merely clueless, these folks inevitably cause problems for the people around them. Examples:

• The person doesn't learn from their own mistakes.

• The person doesn't learn about you from your repeated behaviors.

• The person doesn't respond to reasonable requests, or they do the opposite of what you request -- behavior common to malicious, destructive, and passive-aggressive people. (If a lot people don't respond well to your reasonable requests the problem might be the people you pick, your communication skills, or what you consider "reasonable." In this case, change your behavior and see if that reduces the problem.)

- Leeches claim skills and qualities they don't demonstrate. So do clueless and incompetent people. If someone claims to be skilled at bondage, and you observe shoddy work, beware. Ditto if they claim to have great relationship skills, then complain about the horrible things done to them by past lovers. (Remember, they picked those people, and helped create the interactions they complain about.) Sociopaths will lie about their skills, reputation, and past in order to impress and manipulate you.
.
.
3. Anti-leech factors

These are the opposite of the leech factors above. Date people who are constructive, responsible, consistent, have good boundaries, and are competent.
Constructive

+ Date people who raise your quality of life. If your date is exciting, but causes a bunch of problems in your life, pay attention; they are probably bad news. If your date is angrier, more critical, more demanding, ruder, more judgmental than friends you respect and like to spend time with, they're probably a bad bet. Someone who treats you well and leaves you feeling grounded and good about yourself is a much better mate candidate.
+ Healthy partners make good things happen in your life. Leeches make bad things happen.
+ Healthy partners think win-win. Often leeches perceive you winning as them losing -- so they'll try to disempower you.
+ Healthy partners build you up so you can do more. Leeches tear you down so they can use you.
If you're a newbie and a prospective partner treats you with kindness, reassurance, and encouragement -- and especially if they encourage you to meet and network with others, ask questions, and set firm boundaries -- you're probably in good hands. If a prospective partner plays on your insecurities and judges and criticizes you -- especially if they discourage questions and networking -- find someone else.
+ Healthy partners help you become stronger and more capable, in real life as well as the dungeon. They expand your world. Leeches make you weaker and contract your world. (Becoming willing to accept more abuse, and able to endure it, does not constitute "getting stronger.")
+ Healthy people are trustworthy and trusting, but not unreasonably trusting. (Too much trust indicates poor boundaries or splitting.)
+ Healthy people are constructive. Leeches are destructive. When you think about how your date talks about other people, how they treat others, how they treat you, whether they tend to make situations and relationships better or worse, whether they connect or separate people... how does it all add up?
Responsible

+ A healthy person has good boundaries and takes appropriate responsibility for themselves, their behaviors, and the outcomes they produce. The healthier the person, the more they will own what they do and its consequences, and the less they will blame. Healthy people also recognize what they're not responsible for.
Consistent

+ Healthy people are consistent. If they tell you X today, they will tell you X tomorrow. This means you can predict their behavior. Predictability may seem less exciting than leech mayhem and drama, but makes for a much healthier relationship.
Good boundaries

+ A healthy person can and will say no. Test prospective partners with something trivial, and see how they respond. Someone who can't or won't say no may might blame you later for not mind-reading during a scene.
+ A healthy person will accept and respect a no from you. A leech will not, or will keep pushing, pushing, pushing...
Competent

+ Date people you feel good around. Avoid people you feel bad around. Especially if you feel off-balance or insecure, keep questioning your perceptions and standards, or repeatedly feel like you might be wrong or a bad person.
+ Healthy people have positive, reasonable self-esteem. Many problem partners have extremely low self-esteem, and will do almost anything to compensate -- including behaviors that get them in trouble, which they then blame on other people. Other problem people have unreasonably high opinions of themselves. They think they're an expert, when they're not. As a result, they do unwise, unsafe stuff and people get hurt -- emotionally or physically.
+ Healthy people do a good job of managing their emotions. They are emotionally resilient; when they get into bad moods, they don't stay there. They express emotions such as anger or sadness without blaming others or making them responsible. These folks are often the nice combination of realistic and happy.
+ Date people who naturally create the relationship dynamics you want. With these people, relating well isn't a struggle; it's easy. (Tip: Make sure your partner wants the same kind of relationship you do. A good match here will prevent later struggles and problems.)
.
.
4. What makes people vulnerable to leeches?

What makes people high risk for getting abused, in the vanilla and kink worlds? The same issues that make leeches such problems!
Destructive

- Negative self-talk. If you verbally abuse and trash-talk yourself, you may not even notice someone doing the same thing from outside. If you treat yourself like a friend, it will be obvious when other people treat you badly.
- Past abuse. As numerous people on this thread pointed out, someone who has experienced past abuse, especially in childhood, may regard abuse as normal and not notice inappropriate behavior.
When someone gets abused, the also learn to abuse. They might abuse themselves... or they might abuse you or others. The more vehemently anti-abuse they are, the more likely that when they abuse others they either won't notice, or will twist their perceptions in order to feel justified about treating others that way.
- Leech tendencies. If you're doing it, you lack the filters to stop it, so you're more likely to be a victim of it.
Responsibility, victimhood issues

- Low self-esteem. Someone who thinks poorly of themselves, and/or idealizes others as "above" them, is much more likely to accept abuse as normal, or take abuse in order to gain approval.
- Insecurity. If someone says something negative or critical about you or your behavior, or claims that X happened when you think Y happened, do you (a) ignore them, because what they said can't possibility be true, (b) question and doubt everything about yourself, or (c) treat what they said as possibly useful information, check for yourself what you think it's true, then respond appropriately to what you find? Only the third option makes you leech-resistant.
- Tendency to avoid responsibility by any means: blaming, passivity, etc. Leeches utilize responsibility-avoidance as a way to manipulate people.
- Nice Person Syndrome. Someone who needs to please others, focuses on filling other people's needs, tends to rescue, uses indirect communication... this is an emotional leech's dream.
- Tendency to avoid conflict. Leeches love this, because they can use conflict and the threat of conflict to control their victims.
- Rescuer tendencies. Rescuing is not helping. Someone who helps other people does it by building people's strengths, encouraging people's successes, and setting good boundaries (such as not proffering more help if their first help gets rejected). They don't reward weaknesses or failures. Their satisfaction comes from doing things that encourage actual, tangible progress.
Someone who rescues acts in ways that reward the other person's lacks and weaknesses -- for instance, by giving them lots of attention for having problems. The rescuer has poor boundaries, and keeps trying to give even when their "help" gets ignored or abused (such as money given to buy food getting spent on drugs). The rescuer earns emotional points for attempting to help, even if their rescue efforts ultimately encourage weakness or cause harm.
- Wishful thinking. Hoping that someone will treat you better in the future won't make it happen. Nor will hoping that the person you've decided to rescue will change. Realistic people assume that people are most likely to do in the future what they do now. A date who is abusive or irresponsible probably won't change. (And even if they do, it'll be because they decide to, not because you try to change them.)
- Scarcity mentality. There are nearly 7 billion people on this planet, billions of whom have Internet access. No matter who you are, there are partners for you. Especially if you do what's needed to make yourself a good partner.
Leeches prey on your insecurities by making it seem like if you don't date them, do what they want, and become who they want you to be, you will be left alone and friendless, and no one will ever play with you again. Or that you'll never find a better partner.
Once you understand that the world is full of people looking for someone like you to play with, once you understand that turning down the leech in front of you will increase your chances of finding good partners in the future, and once you have a great life and don't need a date this month/minute/second, leeches can't hook you with scarcity or fear.
Inconsistent

- Inconsistency. Inconsistency makes you much less likely to spot inconsistent leeches, and much more likely to do leech-like behaviors yourself. Because this behavior usually runs unconsciously, ask people you know how consistent/inconsistent you seem to them. You might not realize what you're doing.
- Idealization/denigration and splitting. If you tend to regard other people as either terrible or wonderful, and particularly if you alternately regard loved ones as wonderful and awful, you are extremely vulnerable to leeches. Leeches -- especially the charming kinds -- excel at triggering idealization. They seem wonderful, you think they are wonderful and ignore evidence to the contrary, and then things go drastically, horribly wrong.
Poor boundaries

- Poor boundaries. Having good boundaries is a necessary skill for staying safe and having great relationships. If you have trouble saying no or setting boundaries, start small with safe topics and practice until you get good.
- Low expectations. Someone who expects poor treatment will probably put up with it. Someone who expects to be treated with care and respect will probably reject poor treatment immediately. This will quickly eliminate most leeches.
- Dysfunctional rules about who can do what -- see explanation of rules in the previous list. To oversimplify (and YMMV):

• My Rules For You = great Dom or asshole, depending on what rules you use, how you apply them, and how consensually you play.

• No Rules for You = vulnerable to and attracts users, abusers, and clueless trouble magnets.

• Your Rules For Me = wonderfully compliant submissive; vulnerable to users and abusers if you use this strategy outside the dungeon/bedroom.

• No Rules For Me = you might not mean to hurt anybody, but it's almost inevitable that people end up getting hurt anyway.

- Low trust. If your trust levels are low, you will tend to act in ways that trigger less trustworthy behaviors in others -- such as acting suspicious and controlling. You're also much likelier to love by (temporarily) dropping your boundaries and idealizing your mate -- making you a magnet for leeches.
Incompetent

- Poor relationship track record. If you have a history of bad relationships, wake up! What those people all have in common is... you! You picked them, you stayed with them, you contributed to the problems in some way or those problems wouldn't keep recurring.
Stop blaming other people, which doesn't fix anything. Stop doing more of what you did before, harder -- you already proved that doesn't work. Instead, take your track record as evidence that your relationship skills stink, and fix them.
Some good dating and relationship coaches on the Internet have helpful free email newsletters to get you started. My personal favorite is Mirabelle Summers at MeetYourSweet.com.
- Poor social skills. People with lousy social skills attract fewer prospects and partners. They are more likely to feel desperate, and lower their expectations and standards so they can get partners. These factors make them more vulnerable to leeches, and more likely to attract them.
When you improve your social skills and become a better partner, you attract more and better partners. With plenty of good choices, you won't feel tempted to settle for a leech. (The free newsletters mentioned in the previous bullet point can help you improve your social skills and attract more people to you.)
- Lack of social network and support. The more isolated someone is, the easier they are to abuse.
- Lacking a thriving life of your own. If you "need" a partner to feel good, a leech can use that to manipulate you. If your life is already great, then if the leech causes problems, you can go back to your other activities, friends, and partners and your quality of life will improve.
.

 

Απάντηση: How to avoid problem people (***)

Ευχαριστώ Cad, γιατι πολλοί δεν είμαστε μέλη στο ***.Διαβάζουμε λοιπόν και επανερχόμαστε.....

 

Απάντηση: How to avoid problem people (***)

πολλή τυποποίηση....

 

Απάντηση: How to avoid problem people (***)

Παναγία μου.

Αν πέρναγα απ'αυτό το κόσκινο όλους τους ανθρώπους που γνωρίζω, η πρώτη που θα απέφευγα θα ήταν η κακομοίρα η γριά μάνα μου.

Δε λέω οτι κάποια πράγματα που αναφέρονται δεν είναι σωστά. Και φυσικά πρέπει να έχει κανείς τις κεραίες του σηκωμένες και να καταλαβαίνει πότε κάποιος του κάνει (ή θα του κάνει) κακό.

Αλλά φαντάσου να πηγαίνεις σε πρώτο ραντεβού με γκόμενα και να έχεις αναμένα όλα αυτά τα ραντάρ. Εντάξει, δε θα γαμήσεις ποτέ.

Χαιρετισμούς,
DH