7 Deadly Sins of a Dom

7 Deadly Sins of a Dom

1. inconsistency - interestingly this one came out on top in sin's list too and i absolutely agree with her. If a Dom is inconsistent in applying and checking up on His rules, it makes the sub not know whether to bother following them or not. If a Dom is inconsistent on which offences He punishes for and how severely, it makes the sub unsure about how to behave. If a Dom is inconsistent in His expectations of the sub, the way He treats her, how He applies His Dominance, it is very unsettling for the sub and she can't possibly grow or flourish in such a relationship. If i hand over control to someone else i need them to be consistent in how they exert it; that doesn't mean that i want a robot Dom or expect Him never to have moods or to change His mind or to update the rules. But i as a sub need a good level of consistency in my life, emanating from my Dom.


2. apathy - if a Dom doesn't care much about His sub or their relationship He isn't going to invest the large amounts of time and energy that D/s dynamics need to thrive. Even when the couple don't live together there still needs to be careful thought, planning and maintenance on the part of the Dom to keep the relationship moving forward and meeting both parties' needs (in fact some would say that these types of relationship need more commitment and planning than 24/7 ones do). If the Dom simply can't be bothered it becomes more of a 'give me a blowjob when I tell you to' type arrangement, which ultimately leaves the sub cold, resentful and neglected. To my mind there's certain responsibilities that come with being a Dom, a bit like there's certain responsibilities that come with being a good pet owner - us subs are needy little creatures and deserve a Dom who cares enough about us and the relationship to invest in it.


3. carelessness - this may seem similar to 'apathy', but in this case i mean a Dom who doesn't think through His actions or take the required amount of care during scenes. As a result a sub can be greatly harmed, scarred for life or even wind up dead. Lots of what we do in the BDSM world carries an element of risk to it, so it's imperative that a Dom reads up on the safety issues, practices sufficiently beforehand and keeps His mind on the job when participating in such activities. i've heard stories of fireplay that left lasting burns, cutting that went too deep, brands that became infected, impact play that caused nerve damage, and other such harm at the hands of inexperienced and careless Doms. Yes accidents happen, but there is no excuse for careless behaviour and it should not be tolerated.


4. dishonesty - openness and good communication is even more vital in a D/s relationship than in a vanilla one because at times the sub will literally be putting her safety into the hands of her Dom. she needs to know that she can trust Him 100%, that He has been honest with her about His intentions and His feelings, that He will respect her limits (if she is allowed them) and that He will answer her questions and concerns truthfully. Of course, i'm not suggesting that a Dom needs to tell His sub everything (at least not in the same way that a sub should be expected to tell her Dom everything), and there may well be certain things He keeps from her for her own good or because she isn't ready for them yet (things to do with her training or what He might require of her in the future). But that shouldn't include dodgy secrets from His past, or the fact that He has other subs she doesn't know about, or other such things. Dishonesty is probably more of an issue in online or long-distance relationships where it's much easier to conceal the fact that you have a wife/other subs/are much older than you claim/have less experience than you say/ etc. But in any D/s relationship dishonesty is going to end up with someone being hurt and potentially the relationship falling apart and i see no excuse for it.


5. violence - i know this one will be controversial, but it's my blog and i truly do see this as a 'deadly sin' for Doms. i'm not talking about a Dom hurting a sub or being a sadist or even sometimes getting carried away during a scene. i'm talking about the more abusive type of action where a Dom lashes out whenever He gets angry, takes His rages out on a sub in a physical manner, acts in an uncontrolled way during scenes, causes harm and lasting damage to the sub as a result, uses His power to intimidate and beat down rather than to control in a consensual manner. It's a difficult line to describe, but i know it's there and i hope that others understand the point i'm trying to make.
6. uncertainty - of course we can't expect Doms to be sure about everything all of the time, and there's a great deal to be said for a Dom who admits He doesn't know something or wants to try something but isn't sure how it will work out or who sees that He has made a mistake and takes measures to correct it. i'm not talking about any of those scenarios here; i'm talking about more general uncertainty - about Himself or about the path He wishes to lead the sub down in the relationship. If a sub gives over control to a Dom she expects Him to lead her, guide her, train her, give her orders and rules and directions. If He doesn't know what He wants from her, doesn't set any rules or guidelines, is continually changing His mind, leaves her to make her own decisions or worse still asks her what she wants/thinks for every situation it becomes pointless. If i come to my Dom with a question about how He wants something done i expect Him to have some kind of opinion on it, even if it takes a while for Him to get back to me or even if the answer turns out to be "actually i don't mind, do what you like about that" - but if that is the answer to every question is He controlling me in reality? Also some Doms are so uncertain about themselves and their Dominance that they spend all their time fretting about whether their feelings and desires are 'right' and so have no conviction behind their actions, which is very unsettling for the sub. i would suggest that in this case the Dom needs to come to terms with Himself first and then enter into a D/s relationship. Good Dominance has a certain element of surety and confidence behind it, even if that's sometimes put on!

7. arrogance - again a controversial one from sin's original post, and mouse followed up with a separate post devoted just to this sin: here. Though i admit that there is a certain amount of arrogance in most Doms, i think there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance and too much arrogance can be dangerous in a D/s relationship. It can make the Dom think He is invincible, that He can do anything He likes, that He is the only person that matters, that it should be all about Him. Ultimately it can make Him blame the sub for His own mistakes, neglect her needs entirely, attempt things He really isn't capable of or competent at, put the sub in danger, and turn into the type of person that nobody respects or likes or wants to be around let alone have a relationship with. So i think a good Dom needs to keep a tight rein on His arrogance and not let it get too much.