BDSM Humor (?)

You Might Be A Wannabe (Doms)

If you ever use the phrase "A real sub wouldn't have a problem doing that"... you might be a Wannabe If you think the word "submissive" means the same thing as "easy"... you might be a Wannabe

If you think leading your sub around by a leash in the supermarket is appropriate entertainment for everyone... you might be a Wannabe

If you think it's perfectly acceptable to address all submissives as "slut"... you might be a Wannabe

If you think SSC stands for "See Submissives Cower"...you might be a Wannabe

If your vanity plate reads "MSTR-2-U"... you might be a Wannabe

If you enter a chat room and command all the subs to call you Sir... you might be a Wannabe

If you're trying to book a flight to GOR... you might be a Wannabe

If you think all subs put out on the first date... you might be a Wannabe

If you think the only purpose for nipple piercing is to have a place to hang your car keys... you might be a Wannabe

If you think the GOR novels are based in fact... you might be a Wannabe

If you can't understand why a sub refuses to meet you for the first time alone at your place... you might be a Wannabe

If you think limits are nothing you need to consider seriously... you might be a Wannabe

If you think safewords are for sissies... you might be a Wannabe

If you think placing a "Sir" or "Master" in front of your nick name automatically makes you a Dom... you might be a Wannabe

If you think R/L is just like cyber... you might be a Wannabe

If you think using lube for fisting or anal play is too kind... you might be a Wannabe (or a really mean sadist)

If you have to constantly refer to the owner's manual to use your toys... you might be a Wannabe

If you think Dom's can't show their feelings and need to be cold and aloof... you might be a Wannabe

If you have any reason to fear ATF Agents could confiscate your toys... you might be a Wannabe

If you think the KGB Interrogation Manual is the definitive "how to" book for BDSM... you might be a Wannabe.

If you think sterile needles for play piercing are too expensive to only use once... you might be a Wannabe

If household items don't inspire you (wooden spoons, clothespins, etc.)... you might be a Wannabe

If you think electricity play consists of plug in socket/exposed wires touching sub... you might be a Wannabe

If you think a bullwhip is the best choice for a warm up tool... you might be a Wannabe


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You Might Be A Wannabe (Subs)

If you don't know what "R/L" means... you might be a Wannabe

If you think it's not necessary to communicate what you need or want to your Dom because what you want is not important... you might be a Wannabe

If you've never considered the possibility that your online Master is really a 14-year-old named Jason... you might be a Wannabe.

If you think being collared and spanked online qualifies you as an experienced sub... you might be a Wannabe.

If you think you have no limits... you might be a Wannabe

If you think using your safeword means you're not a "real" sub... you might be a Wannabe

If you consent to wearing a Dom/Domme's brand at your first R/L session with Him or Her... you might be a Wannabe

If you think bruises and broken limbs are standard bdsm play....you might be a Wannabe

If you think you must have total respect for anyone who calls himself/herself Dom/Domme... you might be a Wannabe

If you think the best sub is the one who can stand the most pain... you might be a Wannabe

If you think R/L is just like cyber... you might be a Wannabe

If you consent your first live meet with a Dom/me without using a safety net... you might be a Wannabe

If you think being a sub is all about being abused... you might be a Wannabe

If you think CBT means "Come and Bring Toys"... you might be a Wannabe

If you have to remove your collar so your Master can walk his dog... you might be a Wannabe (and your Dom is really cheap)

If you think sub-space is the cage a Dom keeps His or Her sub in... you might be a Wannabe

If you think enemas are only given for medicinal purposes...you might be a Wannabe

If you think submission means never saying "no"... you might be a Wannabe

If you have to spit out your chewing tobacco before you can be gagged... you might be a redneck as well as a Wannabe




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You Know You're Kinky When...

Author: Alkallah

...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for

...someone refers to a serial killer as sadistic and you roll your eyes, because the man has nothing on you.

...you realized you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year

...you have more toys than your kids

...you take up macrame, just to learn some new knots

...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to

...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot

...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns...and you don't eat sweets

...someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" before you realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt.

...you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen, "Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"

...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horsejumps are set up.

...you have a list by the phone for the babysitter....Hospital, Family, and 3 24-hour locksmiths.

...you are on a first-name basis with all the local EMT's.

...you have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list.

...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather!

....you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer.

...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs , body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage.

...Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather aftershave

...vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream!

...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.

...you can't pass a candle factory without drooling (or wetting your seat)

...your kids ask you about conditioning leather....and it takes you a minute to realize they are talking about their baseball gloves.

..."chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you.

...you haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"

...you've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.

...the local Leather hobby shop offers you a business account.

...your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.

...your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house.

...you need two separate packing and moving crews....one to pack and move the furniture and belongings, and the other to pack and move the "furniture" and "belongings".

...you choose your new house based on it's location: convenient to the leather store, easily directed to by your friends and the local ambulance drivers, and just a mile from the emergency room.

...you become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarassing calls at 2 A.M.

...the local Home Depot has set you up with a business account...and you are not a contractor or an electrician.

...you move to another city, and the hardware store in your old hometown goes out of business because you don't buy there anymore.

...escape artists come to you for advice.

...you say Vanilla like it's a bad word.

...you can't pass by an iron fence without drooling.

...you know the location of every tack shop in the tri-state area.

...your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other end of your nipple clamp to the car battery.

...you nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign advertises FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it's a car wash.

...you cannot get through the opening lines of "Green Eggs and Ham" (I Am Sam, Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically.

...your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life".

...you've served more people than McDonald's.

...more people have seen your body on-line than have visited www.cnn.com

...you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.

...you consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place has a sign for HOT GREEK-STYLE SUBS but they wouldn't bend over to please you.

...you chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.

...the hospital lists you as a triage center, since you're better equipped than the ER.

...you sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for XMas, and get a free trip on the North Pole.

...you buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you don't have a family or a clothesline.

...there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.

...you find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medieval torture chamber making comments like "gimme a break, my Dom's grandmother could get out of that!"

...getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.

...you bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you were too cheap to go to the adult store and get a real butt plug.

...you think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.

...someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he's sick and sadistic and you perk, god i hope so!

...you think VA stands for Vanilla Anonymous.

...turning the switch on has precious little to do with making the lights come on when you enter the room.

...the first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether the trunk can hold a bound submissive or two.

...you take advantage of the needle exchange program in your city and you have never used intravenous drugs in your entire life.

...you fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER.

...when you're told your brother-in-law is pussy-whipped, it takes you a moment to realize that doesn't necessarily mean he's transgendered.

...you can accurately convert horsepower to #ponygirls harnessed.

...someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.

...your favorite letter of the alphabet is O.

...nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy.

...you refer to your fully equipped van as "Squeals on Wheels".

...your travel agent recommends a 4 star bed and breakfast as part of your vacation plans; you yawn and ask where the nearest Dungeon and Gruel is to your destination.

...investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.

...your children think your primary language is acronyms.

...you have a habit of calling conversion vans perversion vans.

...you overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll over; and find yourself obeying quicker than the dog does.

...you need to rent a U-Haul to get your toys to the play party.

...your toilet seat is leather.

...your children are named Dom, SAM, Sissy, and Autoerotic Asphyxiation.




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Red Subby Tart

Author:Vaporlink ©

Active Ingredient:
one willing bottom

Miscellaneous ingredients seasoned to taste:
1.) 1 flogger
2.) 1 bucket of ice
3.) 1 towel
4.) 1 small knife
5.) 1 candle,
6.) and a lighter

Step 1.) place the bottom in your favorite flogging position
Step 2.) beat until red
Step 3.) chill with ice
Step 4.) remove excess moisture with towel
Step 5.) repeat step 2
Step 6.) repeat step 3
Step 7.) repeat step 4
Step 8.) mix to a even consistency, or, until your bottom is thoroughly mixed up
Step 9.) place knife in bucket of ice and then light candle
Step 10.) drip wax thoroughly, covering all pre-redden surface areas
Step 11.) freeze wax to a hard shell
Step 12.) remove knife from ice
Step 13.) begin to remove wax from your bottom
Step 14.) remove wax remnants with flogger of your choice, and your done



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Master and Servant, A Conversation

Author: Trystilarn ©

Slave:
:::kneeling::: Oh Master!!!! You are the whole of my universe, the certainty of my existence. You are why my heart beats, my lungs fill, my toes curl. You shelter me like an offshore bank in the Reagan years. i grovel before you in awe of Your power, willing to satisfy You in every way...

Master:
:: eering over the paper::: Every way?

Slave:
:: ressing forehead to the floor and wiggling seductively::: Anything and everything is open to You oh Magnificent Maven of Mastery!! i beg, nay, beseech, nayer still, humbly crawl to kiss Your toes in the hopes You will use me...

Master:
The bank account?

Slave:
:::looking up from underneath her hair::: what?

Master:
Your bank account. You said everything was open to me, so I was thinking of that big account you have...

Slave:
:::coming up on all fours to stare::: Oh most wonderfulest of all Masters, surely you know that your ultimate control of me is so extensive that all I have is yours, but... BUT... You are so secure in the knowledge of my perfect and total enslavement that You would have no need to actually *have* an account number for this, Your most humble of servants.

Master:
No cash?

Slave:
:::dropping head back down to the floor::: As always, Master, Your understanding of my heart is perfection in and of itself. It is why i give You every atom of my being, even unto the subatomic level...

Master:
:::folding away the paper::: Then it's sex.

Slave:
:::raising and throwing her arms up in touchdown form::: YESYESYES.. Oh, Master of mine, You are truly the ultimate owner of my being!!!

Master:
oral sex.

Slave:
YESYESYESYES

Master:
You would like to give me oral sex.

Slave:
:::dropping arms to her sides to stare::: what?

Master:
Well, I thought that this time instead of me... you know... I might command you...

Slave:
:::gritting teeth::: MASTER.... errr Master, Your memory being so much better and stronger than that of Your lowly slave, i *know* You recall how You show Your ultimate Mastery by satis... er... torturing Your property for hours on end. You recall how i shriek at Your touch? How i squirm in agony trying to escape?

Master:
Well, yes... there is a lot of squirming...

Slave:
:::leaping to her feet and jumping up and down::: Oh Master!! You punish Your slave to help her better serve You in the perfection of Your regard!! :::running into the bedroom, voice fading into the distance::: Let Your lowly slave suffer soon, Master!!

Master:
:::sighing deeply, turning off the TV and following his slave into the bedroom:::


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slave:
:::Lying back on the bed, one arm behind her head, legs crossed, slowly blowing smoke rings::: Oh Master, You are surely showing this one how to behave tonight.

Master:
:::lying on his back, chest heaving, sweaty hair matted to his head::: uhhh... uhhhh

Slave:
:::sighing and stretching::: This lowly slave is so happy she learned on the web that everyone has their own unique way to share in the wondrous world of D and s...

Master:
uhhhhnn.. uhhh

Slave:
...and is so happy that her Master is so cruel and demanding and that she can offer herself totally to Him each and every day!

Master:
UHHH... uhhhh

Slave:
And Master?

Master:
uhh?

Slave:
:::looking deeply into His eyes, lower lip trembling::: It makes Your slave tremble in fear and longing to know that soon You will once again train Your slave to perfect obedience by denying her the pleasure of cooking dinner...

Master:
:::sighing::: uhhhhhhhhhhhnn




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The BDSM Lies

Authors: by Jay Wiseman, Lady Green, Glen the Paramedic and Dale the Actress. (This "sanitized" version by GlitterOne)


The Great Lies of BDSM (and a few others)...

...that we tell straight people:
It's a fashion statement
It's for a crafts project
I fell off my bicycle

...that we tell each other:
I've never even fantasized about doing that
I just do this for fun. I don't need it
Mistress, I'll do anything you want

...that we tell ourselves:
I'm normal
I always stop when I feel genuine anger
I only play with people I respect
I'm doing this for healthy reasons

...that dominant men tell submissive women:
I think of women as equals
I have a healty relationship with my mother
I truly believe that it takes a strong woman to submit

...that submissive women tell dominant men:
I don't have any unresolved issues regarding my father
It's enough to serve you, Master. I don't need to get off
I really want you to be in charge
I love it when you ejaculate in my mouth
Licking your feet and bottom really turns me on
I like your pot belly
You own me body and soul

...that submissive men tell dominant women:
I'll do anything you want
I exist only to serve you
I don't care about getting off
I regard women as superior beings
You're beautiful to me
I really get off on doing housework for you
My wife knows that I do this

...that dominant women tell submissive men:
I basically like men
Wearing high heels makes me feel more powerful
I can't top anybody who doesn't turn me on
I never switch
I love giving golden showers

...that we tell vanilla prospective play partners:
It's not pain. It's just strong sensation
This is fundamentally a nurturing activity
Submission is empowering
You need to explore this side of yourself

...that dominant women tell each other:
I have the perfect slave
I feel that you and I are part of a Sisterhood
I can stay in top space while I'm "receiving"

...that submissive women tell each other:
My Master takes good care of me
I'm not really an exhibitionist
I don't feel competitive towards other submissives
It's OK with me if you play with my Master

...that dominant, heterosexual men tell each other:
My slave never says no to me
Some of my best friends are submissive men
When I watch you play at a party, I don't secretly hope that you'll screw up and everyone will notice
I can still be dominant after I've had an orgasm

...that submissive, heterosexual men tell each other:
The most important thing is to serve the Mistress
I never tell her what to do
I've never gone to a professional Mistress
I love it when my Mistress won't let me come for days
I don't think my Mistress is fat
I don't mind that you can take more pain than I can
I really believe that my mission in life is to serve women
I really like going down on my Mistress during her period

...that bi switches tell each other:
I truly don't care which gender I play with
I'm not at all homophobic
I separate sex from SM
Being bi is the best of both worlds
I only play with people I feel intimate with
I only play with other switches

...that professional Mistresses tell each other:
Business is good
I never have sex with a client
Business is bad
I always stick to my specialty and refer out clients who want other things
I'd do this even if I wasn't getting paid
I never need to bottom
I'm always in control of the session
I'm a good businesswoman
My lover doesn't mind that I do this
It was my choice to leave my last straight job

And, finally, the three great lies that vanilla people tell SM people:
Hearing about this doesn't shock me
I know other people who are into this
We negotiate everything too



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The SAM List (Smart Assed Masochist)

Author: Alkallah © 1999



Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.

Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle. (should turn out to be the international no-spanking zone sign)

In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.

During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.

If your dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed.

If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'

Decorate your dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes

Place a whoopee cushion on your dom/me's favorite chair.

Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party.

Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword.

When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'

Become a sarcastic practical joker (worked for me).

Learn a language your dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together.

Become prone to incessant giggling.

If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.

Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..

Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)

When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters.

If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear.

Tell your dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment.

Learn the following phrases:

Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself!

What do I look like, your maid?

This isn't a restaurant.

In your dreams!

Who died and left you boss?

I don't think so!

Homey don't play that game.

Yeah, right!

Use them as often as possible.

Only speak in movie quotes.

Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer.

Send your dom/me an invoice for your services.

After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'

Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.

Ignore your top until he/she utters the magic word.

Starch the floggers.

Whine.

Urinate in the dungeon and in the toybag, claim you're marking your territory.

Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling. (Clap on, clap off...)




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